Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sex so good you need the jaws of life to pry you apart.

   A man came knocking on the door the other day asking for donations to the Old Folks Home. So I gave him grandma.

   I started the month eating candy every day to get ready for Halloween

   Guys, if you're not married, but thinking about it, remember; a wife is like a hand grenade. Remove the ring, and the house is gone.

   Changed Siri voice to male. ME: Siri, which way to the beach? SIRI: Dude just keep driving until you see a lot of water.

   Sharks don't kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.

   Society needs to teach every little girl that she's smart and her brains will make her beautiful. This will help her grow into a confident and independent woman who doesn’t feel like she is nothing but a sex object.

   Easter is April 1st this year which is also April fool's day. So to celecrate both days together, I will be dyeing raw eggs this year.

   If you can wipe it off with a wet towel, it’s not beauty.

   I lost my job as a Walmart greeter. Apparently it's okay when people enter the store to say, "Welcome to Walmart" . . . but not okay to add "and that's not just the booze talking, either!"

   Fun fact: Cops do not like to be told “You’re not the boss of me.”

   Dear Baseball, Six innings is plenty.

   Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school

   The opposite of formaldehyde is casualhyde

   Another problem with being ugly is people think you can fight

   If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.

   Ever notice how many towns are named after their water tower

   for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral in the distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain crying, no umbrella so your fam thinks you might have been Batman.

   I quit my job at the helium gas factory, I refuse to be spoken to in that tone

   I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.