Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   As long as Mario is around, Luigi will forever be in the Friend Zone with Princess.

   I always hate it when the toilet lid is down in public places because you have to wonder, was it good manners or is there something nasty lurking in there.......

   When a woman says she'll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.

   I have the ability to get wasted and function at the office appropriately the next day... it's my super power.

   I really don't see why Conrad Murray is going to prison for what he did. House pulls crap like that all the time

   how awsome would it be to get in a fight exactly how it happened in Michael Jackson's "Beat It" video!

   I have coughed so much this week I think I'm developing 6-pack abs.

   Putting a little bit of syrup into every square on the waffle is my Mona Lisa.

   I will never be brave enough to be a Navy Seal or one of those people who buy things supposedly edible in 99 Cent Only Stores

   iPHONE(noun}: A device used for everything but calling people.

   Scientists are baffled... Snooki, the tallest of the Oompa Loompa's, is pregnant! They didn't think anything human could possibly live in her!

   HER: "You are like my umbrella" HIM: "Because I protect you?" HER: "No, because you don't get me wet."

   The first step toward drinking is admitting you're not drunk.

   Why do people showoff by posting pics of the expensive and fancy alcohol they are drinking when at the end of the day we all get drunk just the same?

   College is just a clever marketing ploy by Starbucks and Red Bull

   There are 650 Trillion differernt possible games of Chess. If you already knew that, then that explains why you are still a virgin.

   I attribute my great patience to all the dial up porn I watched in the 90s ...

   I'm gonna start a secret porn industry and call it "the Illuminaughty".

   Beyonce is sending prayers to her hometown of Houston... I bet if Harvey was a BLM protester tearing things up she'd be sending bail money.

   I'm on my third round of candy that we are not eating before Halloween.