Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hey if you guys see a chameleon, it's mine. If you don't, that ones mine too.

   "Oh no, no, no! I'm a rocket man!" ~ KimJong Ung

   [Leaving the drive thru] Fries: Can’t you even wait until you get home? Stop that. I said stop! Noooo...

   I realized I wasn't my parents favorite kid when they ask me to help blow up ballonns for my twin brother's surprise birthday party.

   Every time I get a headache I imagine it's because someone wants me to get in bed with them.

   Hey, if it doesn't work out, we can still be friends. Said no guy ever

   Which nipple does the red jumper cable go on again?

   Be the reason someone smiles today

   Can't talk right now. I am interfering in the local high school student gov't election.

   If you lend a friend some money and you never see them again. It probably was worth it.

   I just saw an elderly couple kissing passionately and I thought to myself, I want that... ...to stop immediately.

   Maybe when God was creating the centipede he fell asleep with his elbow on the Leg button

   It’s funny to me when a cop says “you know why I pulled you over?” As if I’m gonna snitch myself out, or possibly get it wrong and end up with two charges

   I hate new relationships. Now I have to act like I'm not crazy for 90 days.

   Judging from the size of Popeye's forearms, I'm guessing that Olive Oyl didn't put out much.

   Seriously, if the earth was flat, cats would have pushed everything off of it by now.

   But on the plus side, I'm completely immune to flash-bang grenades - Helen Keller

   I found a real money maker in selling homing pigeons....... So far this month I sold mine 4 times.

   Take the hint people...... Earbuds are a do not disturb sign.

   "You're never too old to learn something stupid."