Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman. So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.

   The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.

   My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.

   Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained. Toothpaste: Hi

   Have you ever felt completely calm cool and collected? Yeah, me neither.

   trust : is to deal with snakes and to know they wont bite you

   All I know is I wouldn't do so good in the wizarding world. Every time I encountered a goblin I'd instinctively punt it.

   If the creators of Words with Friends took a peek at my score they would totally accept FUCT as a word.

   If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to serve as a horrible warning.

   The law of heredity is that all undesirable traits come from the other parent.

   I don't know how life is as a super hot chick. However, I have played a lot of video games and it must be similar to when you became invincible to everything in your path for 10 seconds. Just replace 10 seconds with "your entire life."

   We would all be so lost in this world if it wasnt for our great friends on Facebook who constantly provide us with news updates...

   Someone disappointing you just allows you to free up space in your heart for others who won't.

   I react to "Someone has tagged a photo of you..." in the same way I react to a doctor saying, "Your test results came back..."

   I've spent 50% of my life learning how to live without sex and alcohol and the other 50% happy.

   ladies, if you want a man who will stick by you through thick and thin, marry a procrastinator

   if a woman gives you a pat on the back, you aren't getting any.

   You'll know it's real if I still love you when I'm sober!

   Even a turtle only makes progress when it sticks its neck out.

   There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness.