Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My friend told me not to say anything about his new girlfriends lazy eye, so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her normal one.

   If you're in a relationship. I don't know why you feel the need to upload 10 selfies a day. Look at your boyfriend instead of a camera

   If you say "beer can" with a British accent, you can say "bacon" with a Jamaican accent.

   How many bottles of vodka are you supposed to put in this thanksgiving gravy?

   With summer in full swing and Father's Day just 41 days away, CVS in Baltimore has all of your sunscreen and Father's Day card needs covered.

   All who post weather maps on FB. You know we have the internet too, right??

   The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.

   I wonder why everyone thinks I'm weird? Everyone in my head thinks I'm awesome!!! :p

   Since the 2nd amendment gives me the right to bear arms. I cut the sleeves off all of my shirts.

   When your Dr. says "I'll need to Google that"..... it's time to change Doctors

   So this package explosion situation in Texas. Are we blaming the person or the packages? Asking for a friend

   I'm so tired,,, United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.

   Barry Manilow has finally come out of the closet. Your move, Tom Cruise.

   Treasure the years with your children while they are still distracted by bubbles.

   So cold in D.C. today that the politicians had their hands in their own pockets.

   Ironically removing episodes from old comedy show because they are offensive..They'll end up on the black market.

   Turning on your lights and sirens after losing a drag race is just poor sportsmanship

   Hey Jussie, everyone makes mistakes. Don't beat yourself up over it.

   I wish I was a manager at Disneyland. I'd start every meeting by saying "What kind of a Mickey Mouse operation are we running around here?"

   I'm just here to offer you a glimmer of nope.