Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sixty percent of Americans ages 18-25 couldn't identify Col. Sanders in the KFC logo. In fact, more than half of respondents thought it was one of the band members of ZZ Top.

   An average person farts 13 times a day......... finally!! I'm above average at something.

   Most all husbands lie on their tax returns by listing them self as the head of household.

   The circumference of a pumpkin divided by it's diameter = pumpkin pi...

   "Wisdom doesn't come from age, wisdom comes from the things that you srewed up in your life."

   Untill I got married, I never knew there was a wrong way to put the milk back into the fridge.

   tag: “dry clean only” me: single-use garment? what a waste

   Ladies, if he is calling you a 10/10 he calling you a 1. Do the math!

   Want to know the secret to success? Delete your Facebook account.

   I'm dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.

   Why don't adult cereals come with prizes? A pill organizer Post it notes Vouchers for gas ...And so on.

   My wife's fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.

   If you ever wake up naked on your neighbour's lawn, just pretend you're a werewolf.

   I don't really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.

   A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today. My maternal instincts have never been so confused.

   Ring = she’s married Nose ring = she’s married to a bull

   The cashier asked me if I wanted my milk in a bag to whom I replied No thanks, I think it would be easier to carry home in the container.

   I'm not saying you started that fire, Billy Joel; I'm just saying that innocent people don't write songs to defend themselves.

   Not to brag, but I still haven’t buttoned my pants back up from Thanksgiving.

   It’s Fashion Week in Pakistan. Turns out for the 800th year in a row, burqas are in.