Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Police always seem disappointed when they realize those bits of foil on the floor of my car are just old Hersheys Kiss wrappers not drugs.

   To my neighbor using a chainsaw at 7:30 on a Saturday morning: Try holding the other end.

   Pfft, you are seeking advice from a fortune cookies. Go ahead and listen to your cookies if you want, everybody knows the real advice comes from the Taco Bell Sauce packs.

   Look up procrastinator on Wikipedia. There’s a picture of me. Well there isn’t yet, but there will be. Probably by tomorrow. Maybe Tuesday.

   My daughter wanted a Cinderella themed party, so I invited all of her friends over and made them clean the house.

   Once upon a time, I used to worry that people would think I'm weird. These days I'm genuinely surprised when they don't. ;)

   I wrap all my Christmas gifts in bubble wrap.....it's like giving two gifts in one!

   Some people are better kept only as Facebook friends and never to be interacted with in real life.

   A baby-sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers

   Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds. There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.

   Why do baby clothes have pockets?

   Black Friday is Americas version of running with the bulls

   I don't care how old I am. If I lose my mother in a super market I'm going to panic.

   I wished I was in a gang so I'd know what to do with my hand in pictures

   wishing everyone a happy holiday. If your not sure what holiday it is just google March 14th.

   I always thought my dad was great when I was growing up, he always got so pissed off every year when santa didnt bring me presents. I felt so lucky to be his son.

   First big snow fall of the season and the TV news is acting like the terrorism threat levels just moved up a spot or two.

   McDonald's is like unprotected sex for your heart... So awesome.

   The five second rule is exponentially longer when no one else is around...

   This Crazy lady with Mad Road rage was yelling out her window at me Today.. "I'm gonna make your life a living hell" ...I yelled back, "Thanks but I'm not looking for a relationship right now."