Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My salt shaker has been clogged for two years now, so don't come to me with your issues

   I can't wait till I retire so I can get up at 6 am and drive everywhere slow AF.

   Mark Zuckerburg owns Instagram, Facebook and Whatsapp. All he needs now is Twitter then he owns all of our little secrets

   At 40 you can’t really walk it off any more. You’re hurt now.

   Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store

   29th Feb would have been an ideal day to get married.......imagine the money you can save from buying anniversary gifts

   When I'm feeling down and someone says "Keep your chin up!" I get the urge to break their legs with a baseball bat and tell them "Walk it off!"

   Spring is acting like a deadbeat dad... like are you coming or not.

   My phone rang so now I need to get a new one.

   Them: What's your favorite food? Me: Yes.

   After all the "Stormy" there's some "Sunshine" in the white house

   I stopped complaining about my insomnia when I found out most of my relatives died in their sleep.

   My virginity was protected for a long time by a force field or awkwardness.

   Woman aks pharmacy clerk if they sold extra large comdoms. Clerk said yes, would like a pack? No she replied. But I'd like to wait here untill someone does.

   My MIL would invite her self to have dinner with my husband and me. Tired of this, one time after dinner I put the dishies on the floor and let the dog lick them clean in front of her. Then put them back into the cabinet. We now have MIL free dinners.

   I can't get enough of that Sugar Crisp. That is why I'm taking no chance and bringing my ID to the grocery store with me.

   If you see me drinking "coffee" from a insulated tumbler in public, then you don't know me very well.

   The sooner you give up on me, the easier this will be for both of us.

   Staying alone is cool and all but the only problem is that it's always your turn to do the dishes.

   It seems only yesterday, my dear old mum telling me to wash my food before eating it! A lovely woman, but terrible sandwiches!