Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon the Victorian Government has released a damage report statement concerning yesterdays 5.3 earthquake, that have stated that the damage bill could run into millions of dollars worth of improvments!
←Rate | 06-19-2012 20:39 Comments (0)  


   messageicon you showed up in my toxicology report
←Rate | 07-01-2012 14:10 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I hate pushups more than a T-Rex does.
←Rate | 07-03-2012 20:21 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I acknowledge most people by completely ignoring them.
←Rate | 07-05-2012 11:29 Comments (0)  


   messageicon one good thing about snow is it covers up the dog poo so your lawn look as good as your neighbors
←Rate | 02-10-2012 12:30 Comments (0)  


   messageicon i guess the "forever lazy" suit is appropriately named since it looks like you were too lazy to care youre in public in your pajamas
←Rate | 02-15-2012 13:25 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Arousal is a miracle… Don't try to hide it. It's an unsolicited endorsement, a standing ovation, a spontaneous demonstration. ~Playboy
←Rate | 02-19-2012 09:38 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The only time I wear a suit is for sad occasions, like weddings and funerals.
←Rate | 02-21-2012 12:31 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Now I know why people are looking for intelligent life on other planets! They've given up on this one!!
←Rate | 11-17-2011 21:02 Comments (0)  


   messageicon In an attempt to eat healthier I started buying Coke and Cheetos at Trader Joe's.
←Rate | 10-19-2017 19:58 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Her: [seductively removes dress] I want you to rub me down there *points Me: [removes joint pain cream from cargo shorts] Is it knee pain?
←Rate | 10-25-2017 04:21 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Society is going to judge you anyway, so do what makes you happy.
←Rate | 01-20-2018 17:20 by Justathought Comments (0)  


   messageicon if I ever do remarry I am going to find one of those government agents who can't talk about what they do all day.
←Rate | 01-20-2018 19:59 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I rather be tired from working than to be broke.
←Rate | 01-21-2018 21:38 by Justathought Comments (0)  


   messageicon You: Cows are friends, not food. Me: Name one cow you’re friends with.
←Rate | 01-22-2018 04:59 Comments (0)  


   messageicon A new study says that a lot of people will believe anything that starts out by saying a new study says.
←Rate | 01-30-2018 13:24 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Google before you post" is the new "think before you speak"
←Rate | 02-06-2018 04:05 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My main job as a husband is to taste things that my wife thinks smell like they've gone bad and tell her if they taste bad or not.
←Rate | 02-13-2018 07:05 Comments (0)  


   messageicon People don't notice the things that you do for them untill you stop doing them.
←Rate | 02-13-2018 16:22 by Justathought Comments (0)  


   messageicon I helped a little old lady with a new 60 in. TV cross the road this afternoon. The guy in the car next to me even joined in as we honked our horns repeatedly.
←Rate | 02-20-2018 14:37 by MDS Comments (0)  




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