Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   the Victorian Government has released a damage report statement concerning yesterdays 5.3 earthquake, that have stated that the damage bill could run into millions of dollars worth of improvments!

   you showed up in my toxicology report

   I hate pushups more than a T-Rex does.

   I acknowledge most people by completely ignoring them.

   one good thing about snow is it covers up the dog poo so your lawn look as good as your neighbors

   i guess the "forever lazy" suit is appropriately named since it looks like you were too lazy to care youre in public in your pajamas

   Arousal is a miracle… Don't try to hide it. It's an unsolicited endorsement, a standing ovation, a spontaneous demonstration. ~Playboy

   The only time I wear a suit is for sad occasions, like weddings and funerals.

   Now I know why people are looking for intelligent life on other planets! They've given up on this one!!

   In an attempt to eat healthier I started buying Coke and Cheetos at Trader Joe's.

   Her: [seductively removes dress] I want you to rub me down there *points Me: [removes joint pain cream from cargo shorts] Is it knee pain?

   Society is going to judge you anyway, so do what makes you happy.

   if I ever do remarry I am going to find one of those government agents who can't talk about what they do all day.

   I rather be tired from working than to be broke.

   You: Cows are friends, not food. Me: Name one cow you’re friends with.

   A new study says that a lot of people will believe anything that starts out by saying a new study says.

   Google before you post" is the new "think before you speak"

   My main job as a husband is to taste things that my wife thinks smell like they've gone bad and tell her if they taste bad or not.

   People don't notice the things that you do for them untill you stop doing them.

   I helped a little old lady with a new 60 in. TV cross the road this afternoon. The guy in the car next to me even joined in as we honked our horns repeatedly.