Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I bet it’s pretty hard at a mime’s funeral to figure out when the moment of silence is over.

   tonight my phone made this weird noise ive never heard before,so I googled it and apparently someone was trying to call me

   I will only date a woman 3 times. I'm not scared of commitment. I'm scared my wife will find out.

   You can always make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.

   I t.hink I. mig.ht hav.e ina.dverte.ntly tak.en one .of my wif.e's bir.th c.ontrol pi.lls beca.use m.y perio.ds a.re irr.egu.lar

   Why is it called mooning when you're actually showing uranus?

   Does anyone else ever wonder why the game uno doesn’t have the rest of the cards in Spanish?

   I hate spelling errors. . You mix up two letters and your whole post is urined.

   Dearest Neighbors, Please do NOT call the police, it’s not domestic violence or a wild party. It’s football season, that’s just me screaming at my TV.

   Money not buying you happiness? Wire it into my account and I’ll send you pictures of how happy it makes me. Problem solved.

   The awkward moment when you have 10 tabs open and cannot figure out which one the music is coming from.

   I love Fall.... Unless it's Cold, Damp and Dark. Then I hate Fall.

   I've been having a problem with nuisance phone calls! The most common one seems to be "You said you'd be home from the pub three hours ago!"

   Canadian cattle can now legally graze on cannabis plants. The steaks have never been higher.

   Will I be able to enjoy A Star is Born if I haven't seen the other Bourne movies?

   No matter how tough you think you are, there's always a closed pistachio ready to mess you up.

   The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn't already hate you...

   I used to have a amazing social life, until some idiot talked to me into signing up for Facebook.

   I hope my dog doesn't turn out weird because she's being home-schooled.

   Three phrases that sum up Christmas are: Peace on Earth, Goodwill to Men, and Batteries not Included.