Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.

   People who publicly announce they're "taking a break" from social media, are merely disgruntled that they have only 10 friends and even those 10 never comment.

   When i'm Single,all I see are couples being happy.When i'm Dating someone,all I see are Single,being happy.

   T Pain is so old now, he changed his name to Knee Pain!

   Hey NFL...you should ask Mizzou how they've been getting along since they tolerated all of that social justice protesting! Haha, it's a ghost town over there!

   If lemons could talk I bet they would say "Hey! Did you know you have a papercut?"

   The first rule of Might Club is maybe.

   How come they don't show Breaking Bad reruns on the Cooking Channel?

   Wouldn't it be nice if you could adjust the brightness level of people like you can on your TV?

   I'll bet the same guy that named the fireplace named Newfoundland.

   Sad to say all your friends "Friends Day" videos are now in the 99 cent bin at Walmart.

   Facebook needs a special button for those who are sick of cartoonists making fun of short T-Rex arms.

   Do you ever hear a song on your car radio and think "I better not die listening to this song"?

   Valentines: Pros and Cons for dating someone.... Con: I'm an a$$hole. Pro: I'm Your a$$hole.

   Pro Tip: Waffles are just pancakes with abs.

   We should make politicians wear shock collars that go off each time they lie.

   The only thing I hate worse than holding my wife's purse is when it doesn't match what I'm wearing.

   Roses are red. I picked you a daisy. Will you still love me when you realize I'm crazy?

   Kanye asking Mark Zuckerberg for $1billion on Twitter is like walking into an Apple store and asking to speak to Bill Gates.

   Whoever said "Do the job right the first time and you'll never have to do it again"....never shoveled a Canadian driveway.