Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Actually,, I thought I was the only one who did not know the words to Mariah Carey songs.

   I finally saw Kung Fu Panda. I'm certainly not an expert, but I thought the nunchuck scene looked kind of fake.

   Art imitates life. Imitation is the highest form of flattery. Flattery will get you nowhere. GOOD LUCK WITH THAT ART DEGREE BUTTERCUP.

   Loofah sponge instructions: 1. Wet before use 2. Use once 3. Hang to dry as shower decoration for the rest of your life.

   There's much better things in life than alcohol but alcohol compensates for not getting them.

   *smashes bag of Oreos and pours it on salad* Eating healthy is great

   I'm a Twinkie in a Dingdong world !

   Just had a bunch of Persian food for lunch. It was so delicious, but now I falafel.

   Folks should be made aware of the difference between want and need. Example: I want a hot body, but I need pizza.

   If you open a doughnut shop and don't name it "Hole Foods" well, what's the matter with you?

   At the end of the day the most overused phrase is at the end of the day.

   ‪The leading cause of divorce is marriage.‬

   Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.

   Want people to leave you alone this fall? Tuck in your sweater.

   Remember children, the best way to get a puppy for Christmas is to beg for a baby brother.

   Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.

   Before my surgery, the anesthetist offered to use knockout gas or whack me over the head with a canoe paddle. It was an ether/oar situation.

   If Cinderella's shoe only fit her and no one else why did it fall off?

   There are millions of children starving in Africa. IHOP has a sign that says "kids eat free". So build an IHOP in Africa. Problem solved.

   Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.