Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it's eyes when it saw me.

   I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub

   *brings therapist to family gathering* Me: See? Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ

   Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don't like me Therapist: That's where I can help Me: Great Therapist: They don't

   Me socialising: terrible. Me socialising with alcohol: terrible, but with enthusiasm.

   If you turned on all the vacuums on Earth at the same time, that would really suck.

   When my wife picks a restaurant that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”. Problem solved.

   So I was deleting ugly people on my FB account and I nearly deleted my damn self.

   When I see "you are here" on a map makes me wonder how did they know I was going to be there.

   I just ordered a plunger and a spatula on Amazon so next time you order one and it recommends the other, you can thank me

   What’s the traditional gift for a 24 year anniversary? Is it murder? Please say it’s murder.

   Dentist: I'm going to give you some helium gas. Me: Will that stop me from feeling any pain? Dentist: No...... But when you screem, it will be hilarious.

   I hate people who take drugs. Customs agents, for example.

   Bummer is being sick on your day off.

   The weather guy said I should drink plenty of electrolytes in this heat, does beer have electrolytes? Asking for a friend.

   I stuff the holes in Swiss cheese with other cheeses.

   The apocalypse doesn't care what your credit score is.

   Before I die I'm going to eat a bag of popcorn kernels. My cremation should be spectacular.

   How do you get wine stains off of a cat? Asking for a friend.

   You know your house is dirty when people wipe their feet when they are leaving.