Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Anyone says their wedding day was the best day of their lives has obviously never had 2 candy bars fall down at once from a vending machine

   According to physics heat makes matter expand.....therefore I don't have a weight problem....I'm just hot

   As an optimist,I don’t think I have a drinking problem. I have a drinking opportunity.

   Often, when I am reading a good book I stop and thank my teacher. Well, I used to. Until she got that restraining order.

   Customer service: And how does your name appear on your credit card? "I'd say about 11 pt Arial Bold"

   Of all the words that sound dirty but aren't, I think "kumquat" is my favorite.

   I'm not leaving here without some kind of balloon.

   Hello customer service, I ate two happy meals and I’m still not happy

   To the lady at Costco with her son on a leash. I'm sorry that I asked if he was a rescue.

   Bought some pre-tangled Christmas lights to save some time this year.

   Pro Tip: If you make a sex tape, make sure it plays Disney music in the background. That way, if it gets leaked online, Disney attorneys will have them all taken down.

   I miss those days when I would sneeze and someone would politely say, "Bless You" now they run the other way.

   We Just bought 12 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.

   Anybody else up to 6 meals a day

   I've been eating so much during the lockdown. I'm starting to get a tan from the fridge light.

   United Airlines just released their new frequent flyer app. Easy to use, too. It's all drag and drop.

   Man I am beat! Feel like I just flew on United

   Every cigarette you smoke takes 5 minutes off your student loan debt.

   I remember being able to get up without making sound effects. Good times.

   When I have to make a difficult decision in life I think "What would my grandfather do?" Then I leave home in my underwear and shout at random strangers.