Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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Dear Fellow Americans,,, Can't we just all agree to write in "literally anyone else" on our ballots this November? 
Latest Galllup Presidential Poll: Hillary Clinton's body double is now polling higher than Jill Stein.
The most contentious part of the Brangelina divorce will be who gets custody of Ethiopia.
Hillary says she takes national security very serious. So how the hell did wikileaks get those classified emails then?
You know those orange cones they put on the highway for you to knock down? I just beat my high score! WooHoo!
There's a prince of whales? I hope he doesn't venture into Japanese waters.
It's strange that it's socially acceptable for me to get into a swimming pool with a complete stranger but when I do the same thing in a bathtub, all of a sudden I'm "under arrest".
If you sneeze and fart at the same time your body takes a screen shot.
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, "That completes my order" before they ask.
The walls of hospitals have heard more sincere prayers than the walls of masjid,temples and churches.....
If someone says they’re gonna open up a can of whoop-ass, that means there is somebody out there putting whoop-ass into a can. I’d be more afraid of that second guy.
75% of men kiss their wives goodbye when they leave the house. 90% kiss their house goodbye when they leave their wives.
Wife: I'm going to have a baby! What do you hope it is? Husband: April Fools Day?
If women are supposed to be so good at multi-tasking, how come they can't have sex and a headache at the same time?
When the zombies come, my plan is to hope they are all dyslexic and go after the Brians
"Ramen." - Scooby Doo finishing a prayer.
This Jesus is King album by Kanye West is the second worst thing to happen to Jesus.
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short” She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me"
Aerosmith started a Chinese cooking school. It was entitled Wok This Way
Good Morning Inmates 