Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire

   Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?

   App: This app would like to use your location. Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!

   The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.

   You’ve been married more than 10 years so when your husband says he has big plans for you tomorrow he means he needs help cleaning the gutters

   Why is ham the only lunch meat that gets its own radio

   Arm wrestling your spouse for the last donut is not foreplay, I know this now.

   You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.

   why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes

   Wife got me a heart-shaped pizza made with cauliflower crust, talk about mixed messaging.

   OK. Who is the genius who decided to call them Dentures and not Substitooths?

   What’s worse: a broken heart, or knowing you’ll never be flexible enough to roundhouse kick your boss in the face?

   When someone walks away from me shaking their head, I totally agree.

   Most all the women I meet in bars think I have a nice butt. Because as I walk away from them after talking to them. I hear them say "what an ass."

   If there is a Little Debbie then that means somewhere out there is Large Deborah and don't dare touch her cakes

   Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson just had a baby girl and did not name her 'Pebble.'

   Well, looking like Bill Cosby's gonna get to meet Fat Albert, for realz.

   It's steak, not stake dumb ass.

   I mean really though...Why wash cups when you can just drink out of the jug?

   My kid just found an Easter egg in the back yard, if you want to know how often I do yard work.