Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.

   I am not usually one to brag, but I was able to get my daily recommended calorie intake for weight loss down in just one sitting!

   After all these years I finally figured out that that last little piece of soap is more trouble than it's worth.

   OK. Who decided to call it "marijuana possession" and not "joint custody"?

   "Americans can always be counted on to do the right thing...after they have exhausted all other possibilities." ~ Winston Churchill

   Want more people to leave you alone? Announce bid for political office. Walk like Frankenstein if necessary.

   Did you know that if you light a candle during a full moon and say the name of the person you love three times you will look very stupid doing that.

   Most people say they are in favor of free speech until you say something they don't like

   I saw a woman at Walmart with March Madness teeth.. She was down to the final four.

   if the Earth is flat, then my belly is too.

   I'm old enough to remember when apparently the worst thing life could hand you was lemons.

   Disappointment is coming home to the smell of fresh bake cookies and finding out it's just a scented candel.

   When I was a kid, the only password you had to remember was the one that got you into the treehouse.

   The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued. Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.

   I always regret making a good first impression. Because there's no way I can keep that up for long.

   Employee: I got to have salary increase. Three other companies are after me. Boss: Really? Which are the three companies? Employee: The electric company, the telephone company and the gas company.

   Remember: Every single frozen corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person. Stay lazy, my friends.

   I'm afraid for the calendar. Its days are numbered.

   Breaking news: Santa Claus accused of sexual harassment for having girls sit on his lap and asking if they are naughty.

   Pro tip: Use Shazam in your Uber to blow your drivers mind with your knowledge of their obscure immigrant music.