Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I feel like ever since Matthew McConaughey won the Oscar he has just been driving around in Lincolns drinking Wild Turkey

   If I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender can I tell everyone that "Yeah, I Juice."

   ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.

   I'm pretty sure my $2 Sportsclips coupon already told you I am not interested in the $60 shampoo, but thanks for showing it to me anyway.

   If it was not for the dumb things I did as a kid. I would not have anything to laugh about today.

   If the earth was flat, cats would have pushed everything off of it by now.

   Lady Gaga, Demi Lovato, Hillary Duff and Beyonce say they are sending their prayers to Houston. I feel like such a jerk. All I sent was money.

   Went to a Black Friday thing a my sweetheart’s house… all clothes were 100% off.

   That Jussie dude sounds like such an A-hole you'd think he could have just gotten beat up based on his personality.

   People in ancient times believed that they were responsible for the changing climate. (human sacrifice to the gods) I’m so glad that we have advanced enough that we don’t believe in that nonsense anymore.

   The bad thing about political jokes is sometimes they get elected. . .

   I must be getting old. Since when does 2 to 4 inches of snow become a winter storm warning? Back when I was a kid, we just called flurries, and we complained it wasn't enough to even have a good snowball fight, let along close schools.

   All I ask is that if we arm the teachers, that the librarians get silencers.

   QVC has agreed to purchase the Home Shopping Network for around $2 Billion...OR just 100,250,627 easy payments of $19.95!

   I think the golden rule for men should be, don’t say anything to a woman at work that you wouldn’t want another man to say to you in prison.

   I'm starting to worry that I can't stab someone in front of a cop without getting shot

   FDA approved does not mean scientifically proven. It means that a business deal has been made.

   If I have to wear a mask to protect your health, I’m gonna slap that McDonald’s outta your hands too.

   If you can’t be an athlete, be an athletic supporter.

   I just ate a box of stove top stuffing in my underwear while laying on the couch. So if you're looking to me for something inspirational, you should probably look elsewhere.