Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Next time someone asks you if you been working hard or hardly working put your hands around their neck, squeeze really tight and ask....breathing hard or hardly breathin?
←Rate | 03-20-2018 08:25 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My Boss Asked Me to Start The Presentation With a Joke. "I Attached My Payslip On the First Slide."
←Rate | 03-20-2018 08:24 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I don’t understand ads on porn sites. like who is ever in the middle of jerking off then goes like “woah! that’s the new detergent?”
←Rate | 03-20-2018 08:23 Comments (0)  


   messageicon One driverless car killed a pedestrian today. Meanwhile, 73 human drivers killed pedestrians today...
←Rate | 03-20-2018 02:19 Comments (1)  


   messageicon My dentist switched me to this new sensitive toothpaste and now I can't stop crying
←Rate | 03-20-2018 02:19 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My wife is so bad at housekeeping, that our dog buries his bones in our carpet.
←Rate | 03-20-2018 02:19 by Jake Comments (0)  


   messageicon The great thing about insomnia is you have all this extra time to reflect on your suffering and failures.
←Rate | 03-20-2018 02:19 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I could replace my teenage daughter with a honey badger and nobody would notice the difference.
←Rate | 03-20-2018 02:19 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The bad news: I took the wrong medication today. The good news: For the next 3 months I'm protected against heartworms and fleas.
←Rate | 03-19-2018 16:48 by gremlinsd Comments (0)  


   messageicon Trump: I was surprised to see they have a picture of me at the art gallery. Pence: Sir, that was a mirrow.
←Rate | 03-19-2018 16:26 Comments (0)  


   messageicon How many people with ADHD does it take to change...... ooh butterfly
←Rate | 03-19-2018 15:23 by Jake Comments (0)  


   messageicon My son found a cassette tape in the basement. It's like watching 2001 Space Odyssey in real life.
←Rate | 03-19-2018 15:21 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Golf would be a lot more fun to watch on TV if the balls were on fire
←Rate | 03-19-2018 15:19 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If you want to know how we found out stuff before we had the internet then just google it.
←Rate | 03-19-2018 14:59 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Well, hello there Last Straw. I've been expecting you.
←Rate | 03-19-2018 14:53 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Hey Hillary...We do not want to see your food that you and Bill eat.
←Rate | 03-19-2018 14:31 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Breast reduction is just another way a woman has to get something off her chest.
←Rate | 03-19-2018 13:44 by Jake Comments (0)  


   messageicon Hillary broke her wrist when she slipped in a bathtub. The bathtub was later found dead with two gunshots in the back of the head. The death has been ruled a suicide.
←Rate | 03-19-2018 12:29 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Subway Meatball Sub
←Rate | 03-19-2018 07:37 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Hate when ppl use their zodiac sign to justify sh^tty behavior. Like "sorry I can't help it I'm a Scorpio." No Susan you're just a bi*ch!
←Rate | 03-19-2018 06:16 Comments (0)  




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