Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 798 of 6454

I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
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04-20-2018 02:39
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Don't take it personal. I gave up on people in general years ago.
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04-20-2018 02:37
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Kid, “Did you feel that? Was that an earthquake?” Husband, “No it was just your mother coming down the stairs.” And that, folks, is how to end a marriage in 10 words or less.
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04-20-2018 02:11
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Spice things up in the bedroom by loosening the ceiling fan.
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04-20-2018 01:28
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Fun Fact: The Simpsons are 31 years old. They made their first debut 4/19/87 on the Tracey Ullman show.
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04-20-2018 00:36
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Trump said that nobody has been tougher on Russia than him. And also, he says he's been a good and faithful husband.
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04-19-2018 23:03
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I almost took a girl out once. BOY . . . did I dodge a bullet.
Her dad never liked me, and fortunately, his aim was off!
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04-19-2018 22:33
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When they make Molasses, what do they do with the rest of the Mole ?
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04-19-2018 16:48
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Never hire an elecetrician with fuzzy hair
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04-19-2018 15:22 by Jake
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I've come to the conclusion that the things I most desire in life are illegal, very expensive, fattening, bad for my health, too young for me, or married to someone else.
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04-19-2018 14:43 by JohnY
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Texas please vote for Ted Cruz. Because if you don't, he could end up on the View.

I want a version of Baywatch with only fat people in it.
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04-19-2018 13:33
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Trump has repeatedly broken at least 4 of the 10 commandments: Adultery, theft, dishonesty, and coveting. Doesn't read the bible, go to church, ask for forgiveness from God, or repent. Yet the evangelical support him against the will of God.
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04-19-2018 11:53
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The bravest man in the world is the prince from Sleeping Beauty because waking up a tired woman can go sideways very fast.
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04-19-2018 08:27
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A guy in a leather jacket told me that if I gave him a hundred dollars he'd give me three hundred back in a month. It sounded too good to be true, but then I realized that it was just a Fonzi scheme.
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04-19-2018 08:03
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If there is a Little Debbie then that means somewhere out there is Large Deborah and don't dare touch her cakes
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04-19-2018 07:59
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Why is it that most nudists are people you don’t want to see naked?
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04-19-2018 07:20
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Apple were considering making an iPod for kids but apparently, the name 'iTouch Kids' didn't sit too well
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04-19-2018 07:20
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Yesterday I went to an antique shop and asked "What's new?". I don't know why that guy gave me a murderous look
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04-19-2018 07:19
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Forgetting to switch off your alarm on a day when you’re not meant to go Work is an invention of lucifer himself
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04-19-2018 07:18
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