Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I'm standing in line at an amusement park I like to say (very loudly) "This is the ride that Jimmy got killed on."

   Curious. If a person fails at committing suicide. Could they be charge with attempted murder?

   I'm not the person my browser history insists I am.

   be like doctor strange, he saw the end of infinity war 14 million times and he never said a spoiler

   Today is national drug take back day. For your convenience, I will be placing a collection basket outside my front door.

   I’m feeling great. Almost feel like I can have choke sex again

   But have you tried applying more Vagisil?

   I hate new relationships. Now I have to act like I'm not crazy for 90 days.

   If the paleo diet works so well, why did the Flintstones need vitamins?

   Dear Amazon, I bought a vacuum filter from you because that model is hard to find. It was necessary, not because I am fond of them. I am not a vacuum filter collector. No matter how many ads you display, or emails you send me, I am not desperate for more.

   Your 6 yo has a $800 phone? Cool. When I was 6 I was begging my mom to buy me the click-pen that had 4 colors.

   Running shoes? No, I don't run. These are my "better hurry up the liquor store is about to close" shoes.

   So exactly what age will I stop falling over while trying to put on my underwear?

   Ya'll ever be laying with somebody and try to breathe like them and almost die?

   Cosby is going to be meeting bubba and will really get some "pudding in his cloud"

   When America was great, we were enemies with Russia. Just saying.

   I ran a half marathon once. (Actually that's just what I tell people. It sounds better than saying I collapsed and almost died half-way through a Full Marathon.)

   Melania's wax figure was revealed, and placed next to donalds. Their figures looks so real that even the Melania wax figure refuses to hold donald's hand.

   Alcohol...because people annoy me but I'm also lonely

   If you want me to leave my house I need three days notice.