Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   People laugh at the inventor of nitrous oxide.

   Old McDonald had a farm. He also had a weird red haired son named Ronald who wore makeup, dropped acid, and talked to hamburgers and purple monsters.

   Can you imagine how sexy I'd be if I ate right and took care of my body... I'm not going to, but can you imagine”

   Trump needs to stop worrying about Mueller and start worrying about Giuliani

   The best thing about my wife's bj..... The five minutes of silence

   What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice to long?....... Polaroids

   What do you call a nun with a sex change operation....... A tran-sister

   i have a man flu. I had a good run, I think this is the end for me. Tell my family I love them.

   My wife's coffee is so strong it puts hair on your chest........ And takes it off if you spill it.

   "No I don’t need any help. I know more about booze than you do" - Me to the liquor store clerk

   If I ever go missing, please don't look for me.

   It’s hard to keep loving someone who constantly calls the cops and keeps changing her number but here I am.

   I hear they're making a remake of the Never Ending Story. It starts with a man asking a woman how her day was.

   My wife is so fat that she keeps walking into things....... Like Mc. Donald's Dunkin Donuts Dairy Queen etc etc etc

   If I had a horse in the Kentucky Derby, his name would be... How-Much-Wood-Could-A-Woodchuck-Chuck-If-A-Woodchuck-Could-Chuck-Wood .

   Fat Girls out Here With Crop Tops Looking like Winnie the Pooh 🤣

   I just got 40 winks on the suaway........ I knew I shouldn't of worn this pink T-shirt.

   Mint julep or tequila? Happy Kentucky de Mayo!!!

   Countless individuals over the last 80 years have spent millions of hours on the development of the electronic computer. All so I can sit at my desk yelling "Hurry up you piece of crap!"

   Jeremiah was a bullfrog. True story.