Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 782 of 6454

I find it annoying when old people poke me at wedding and say "you'll be next." So I started to do the same thing to them at funerals.
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05-17-2018 16:43 by Jake
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My internet went down yesterday. I think my neighbor forgot to pay the bill. How irresponsible...
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05-17-2018 16:39
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* 21st century where deleting history is more important than making it.
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05-17-2018 15:49
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In my time, real men did not smoke cigarettes with batteries.

If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
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05-17-2018 06:58
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I'm so stressed out that I've started sniffing glue. It's the only thing holding me together.
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05-17-2018 06:56
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Last night my wife said to me, “What would you do without me?” Apparently, “Your best friend” was the wrong answer.
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05-17-2018 06:55
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Having your favorite band come and visit you in the hospital is a good indication that you are going to die.
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05-17-2018 06:42
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a lot of younger folks won’t remember this but before 9/11 you were allowed to grill your own meats on airplanes
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05-17-2018 02:24
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I’m at my most MacGyver when something is stuck in my teeth.
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05-17-2018 02:13
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Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
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05-17-2018 02:12
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hard liquor because I don't don't have time or patience to sit around drinking 9 bottles of wine every day
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05-16-2018 23:23
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"Hello ICE? There are people speaking spanish in NYC."
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05-16-2018 22:41
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My 10 year old: Lands 14 platsic water bottle flips in a row, can't hit laundry basket with dirty socks.
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05-16-2018 18:29 by Jsabbage
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A woman arrested for prostitution. Judge: How do you plead? Woman: Not guilty. I'm a sales woman. Judge: What do you sell ? Woman: Condoms with a free demontration.
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05-16-2018 18:23 by Jake
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Happy 32nd birthday to "Top Gun". need4speed
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05-16-2018 11:37 by Jsabbage
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I was once in a band called Click Bait. You won't believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
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05-16-2018 07:29
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My wife just told me that I need to grow up. I was speechless, but it is kinda hard to talk with 45 Gummie Bears in your mouth.
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05-16-2018 07:25 by Crewz
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Suicide is man's way of telling God, "You can't fire me - I quit!"
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05-16-2018 01:41
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Hello, 911, I am calling about this African American family, The Jeffersons. I want to complain that they finally got a piece of the pie.
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05-15-2018 22:38
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