Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If my nephew doesn't stop playing Chopsticks on that wretched piano I think I shall go mad! (Wait a minute...I don't have a piano and my nephew isn't here...)

   [lava kids playing in a volcano] "the floor is linoleum!"

   I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years

   Middle-aged is when your list of ailments outnumbers your age.

   Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I'm pretty sure she'll figure out that I'm just after my money.

   Sixth in line to the throne takes on a different meaning when you’re not in the royal family but in a dive bar.

   A tattoo doesn’t tell you very much about a person, but where they put the tattoo does.

   After four karate lessons, I can now break a two-inch board with my cast

   Lying in bed, listening to the Doors. I really should oil the hinges...

   I've been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants. Feefiphobia.

   If wookies have a 400 year life span, then Han Solo is basically like Chewbacca's third dog.

   You know you've reached adulthood when your bed is in the middle of the wall instead of in the corner.

   Russia has been accused of using Facebook to win an election. That's probably the most productive thing ever done on Facebook.

   Having a bit of a lazy day! I'm sitting in my underwear looking for better jobs online. My boss doesn't look amused.

   If you mix vodka, orange juice and milk of magnesia... Do you get a Phillips screwdriver?

   This funding crisis in Oklahoma education has got to be addressed! Some of the rural schools have taken to teaching driver’s education and sex education out of the same vehicle.

   Haven’t been in a relationship in a while. I forget, am I supposed to start the argument or finish it?

   C'mon man, nobody's doing it! - Hipster Peer Pressure

   I tried to make whoopee to the entire orchestra but I only got to second bass.

   A bachelor party is a lot more appropriate after a divorce than before a wedding.