Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Butt stuff? God no. I'm a proper lady, and only use my butt hole for smuggling drugs.

   Why is the devil 😈 tryin to be my bff?…

   If your kid graduates high school you were smart and voted for Trump.

   Admit it. Every once in a while you say "Open Sesame" while walking up to an automatic door.

   I decided to bury the hatchet with that neighbor I never got along with. After all, it is the murder weapon.

   I just ordered a plunger and a spatula on Amazon so next time you order one and it recommends the other, you can thank me

   We all just need someone who will tie us to the bedpost and tell us everything is going to be alright.

   I think it's rude for a deaf person to talk with food in their hands.

   Almond milk? I didn't even know almonds had nipples.

   It takes one slow walking person in the grocery store, to remove the illusion that I'm a nice person.

   Going back to bed is my favourite coping mechanism.

   Can someone please buy the Kardashian's a box of condoms, thanks

   Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower. But I'll be telling everyone it's from having sex while skydiving.

   I have not yet begun to procrastinate.

   "If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything. " Mark Twain.

   I’ll always be the one who got away.

   I believe the only way to save Hawaii is to sacrifice a Michigan and Alabama fan to the angry Volcano.

   What is a person who goes off their diet called? A deserter

   If woman are so good at multitasking. Then why can't they sit down and shut up?

   Fitness nuts have to do an entire marathon to feel a runner's high..... I just have to bend over and tie my shoes.