Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I do all my own stunts, but never intentionally.

   In a society with more dumb people than smart, democracy becomes a serious problem.

   Will there soon be a trump beach hotel in North Korea

   Ladies, you can tell that your boyfriend really likes you when he removes the dirty dishes from the kitchen sink before peeing in it.

   My girlfriend hit me in the face with a bottle of Johnson and Johnson 'No More Tears' shampoo. I'm claiming 'False Advertising'!

   Most licenses expire..... Except for the one most husbands wish would.

   The National Animal Research Center just completed a Study as to why squirrels run under cars..Turns out they are the Married ones...

   Play boy no longer have nude models...... What is this world coming to.

   Burger King is changing their name to Pancake King.

   I hate people who take drugs. Customs agents, for example.

   Past, Present and Future walked into a bar. It was a tense situation.

   There’s actually a thing called “Play Dates “ in 2018. In 1984 we called that “Going outside to play”

   The kid next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard ..... time to go mow my gravel driveway.

   You know why it's called almond milk? Cuz you can't say nut juice with a straight face

   I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said "Never mind."

   Just swallowed a probiotic with a vodka tonic in case anyone is looking for a health coach.

   The North Korean President is just meeting with the US President..He suddenly stood up and said . I Don't need this Crap.. .I'm going to the bathroom for a Trump...

   A homeless man asked for money today and instead I gave him my thoughts and prayers. We had a good laugh until he gave me a concussion.

   Most kid's grandpas pulled a quarter from their ear . . . mine put a quarter in, twisted my nose, and bubblegum rolled out!!!

   "Shall I compare thee to a Summer's Eve? For thou art a Douche." -Rejected Shakespeare line.