Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Got out of jury duty by prefacing every answer with "according to the prophecy"

   I hear MJ was on a number of rx drugs, weighed 112lbs, and could barely speak moments before his death. where can I get my wife that prescription?

   hopes he can buy Billy Mays beard, that thang is magnificent!

   I can feel guilty about the past, apprehensive about the future, but only in the present can I act!

   counting it down..only 54749 days until Bernie Madoff gets out of Jail.

   they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!

   just discovered that in Wingdings 2, the letters "M" and "J" are a white glove and a black hand. Michael Jackson conspiracy theory number 1...

   says the show must go on...please move on...enough of michael jackson in my news feed...

   "another Celebrity just went KABOOM!". Will tell you who it is for just $19.95, here's how to order.

   says if silence is golden, then no more Billy Mays is priceless.

   ate 3.14159265358979323846ths of a pi

   I'm not opinionated, you're just always wrong!

   wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger. Then it hit

   taking life with a pinch of Salt...with a slice of lemon...and a shot of Tequlia!!!

   thinks a clean house is the sign of a broken computer.

   doesn't suffer from insanity... he enjoys every minute of it.

   if my calculations are correct SLINKY + ESCALATOR = EVERLASTING FUN

   Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

   doesn't use no double negatives.

   answers Bob Dylan's question: "How many roads must a man walk down before they call him a man?" The answer is 14! Now get a job you freaking hippie!!!