Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I cook with wine...Sometimes I even put it in the food !

   reality is an illusion caused by lack of alcohol

   proud of himself. He just finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said 2-4 years!

   just created a facebook page for my right hand so I can tell the world I'm in a relationship with it

   trying to think whether i've been naughty or nice this year but the screaming slaves in my basement are distracting me.

   people are always asking whats the meaning of life, why dont they just look it up in the dictionary. Duh!!!!

   if rabbits feet are so lucky, what happened to the rabbit?

   if you want to know anything then come to my house because i've got a teenager here who knows everything

   loves animals...especially in gravy

   I read that smoking is bad so I stopped smoking, I read drinking is bad so I stopped drinking, I read that sex is bad so I stopped reading.

   has been watching a lot of these prison shows on TV and is wondering why you never see any midgets in prison? Is it because they get much shorter sentences?. . .

   thinks the best part about his job is that his chair spins!

   wondering if i'm updating my facebook status now, then who is watching the hostages?

   planning a night he can't remember!

   wants a Sunggie made out of ShamWow material

   the guy that put the laughter in manslaughter...

   wonders if you can bring sexy back without a reciept.

   i haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

   thinks Santa Claus has the right idea. Only visit people once a year

   panicking who will keep an eye on Russia if Sarah Palin moves stateside?!