Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If sugar cookies are made with sugar, chocolate chip cookies are made with chocolate chips, what are Girl Scout cookies made with?

   if corn oil is made from corn, vegtable oil made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

   A baby-sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers

   What do you get when you cross PMS with a GPS? A bi*ch who will track you down

   believes NASA could help erase some of the national debt by charging to take people up in the shuttle that need to discover the world doesn't revolve around them.

   lets do a 68...you do me and I owe you one.

   just read a sign on the highway that says "Observe Warning signs! State Law". if you don't observe warning signs, you wont see it. Just curious....WHAT IS THE POINT!?!

   I'm one of the few women Tiger Woods didn't sleep with. That makes me feel proud but at the same time I feel kinda rejected. :(

   thanking Bob Hope for the ky jelly and cucumber. It came in very handy

   For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

   A pedestrian just hit me and went under my car.

   "Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast

   has the key to all of life's questions... but he'll be damned if he can find the lock...

   can't wait to hear President Obama's State of the Union speech tonight...sleeping pills haven't been working!

   I learned the hard way today that I should always wear panties under my dress when I go out. Because if I don't there's always a gust of wind to tick me off.

   lost a game of Scrabble last night. I couldn't believe it. I was lost for words.

   A cop stopped me and asked "Your eyes look red,ma'am. Have you been smoking pot?" I replied "No sir. But your eyes looked glazed. Have you been eating donuts?"

   I try to be positive. Except on medical tests.

   biggest reality of life - DEATH

   love and expectations are inversely proportional