Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of the people I had to kill because they ate all my oreos and were always peeing on my toilet seat.

   - In my effort to be considered a "normal person", I shall now close my eyes, create fictional scenario's in my head and lay still for atleast 8 hours.

   Many Jägerbombs = (Good Times + Memory Loss) / (Loss of Balance - Contents of Stomach * Hangover^115)

   What jackass put up the saints and field goal posts comment??? The Saints scored the most points in the NFL this year. Very smart fan!!

   How do you keep a New Orleans Saint out of your yard? Put up goal posts.

   SHOPPERS: Bored with writing lists for that weekly shop? Simply find discarded lists in trolleys/baskets, and use them! Its spiced up my life.....

   If I root for the Saints today... does that count as going to church?

   I don't know who's apartment I stayed at last night, but I just showered here and their shampoo is PHENOMINAL.

   Love me or hate me its still an obsession...

   You do know that COLTS stand for Count On Loosing The Superbowl!!

   John Terry explained he didn't mean to have sex with Vanessa Perroncel - he just slipped while he was showing her how to take a penalty.

   Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.

   this morning I came to my senses.......I didn't like it....very unfamiliar...very strange......I liked it better not having them....not going back there.

   the dude, playing the dude, disguised as another dude.

   reading his friends' statuses and adding 'in bed' to the end of each one.

   nodding off at the computer. I think I've been here too long. Just one more website and then I'll check my facebook page again. Oh yeah, I gotta make sure I got that email. After that, I'll go to bed.

   When I was little, we used to play a game called "knock and run" where you knock on someone's door and run away before they answered. Nowadays, it's known as "Parcelforce"

   Watching NASA TV and the launch prep for STS-120 ... and I am somehow jealous that they get to leave the Earth.

   when someone asks you what time it is..glance at your watch and say "it's either 6:15 or mickey has a hard-on." guaranteed they'll ask someone else.

   I wish every relationship I was in had a money back guarantee or at least a 30 day free trial