Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Oprah got fat again, we can all enjoy that

   wonders why we worry about 12 inches of snow when we are all at least 5 feet tall or so..we'll be ok

   Wait "pants on the Ground" didn't make it to Hollywood? He was the best so far!!!!!

   If I didn't use the bus,i would never have a man opening a door for me.

   I put a trojan magnum on once.....felt like a 6 year old in an adult sleeping bag!

   'It's not the crazy people I fear, but the large groups of normal ones! '' ~Shane Coleman

   NEEDING HELP, and I'll return the favor. Please send me 3 sets of fishnet stockings, 1 set of furry handcuffs (with key),4 bullets for my 9mm, 1 velvet blindfold, 4 soft cords, and 2 spinners for my Caddie in Hooker Town. Thanks

   We're banned from the dog park. Well, I guess it's okay to hump, and it's okay to bark, but both at the same time freaks people out.

   wondering what to do for valentines day......... other than get drunk and listen to Joy Division while engaging in auto erotic asphyxiation to a discovery channel documentary regarding the breeding habits of the Fiordland Crested Penguin.

   there are only two reasons to date a girl you've already dated.... Breast, Implants

   The only reason to wait a month for sex is if she's 17 years and 11 months old.

   "Who Dat" if you think about the worst sports catch phrase of all time, I bet you can probably guess the demographic of the ones who coined it. Kinda sad if you think about it. It shows where the education levels are falling. Way to go Saints fans....

   They say you can't outrun a charging bear. But really you don't have to outrun the bear, you just have to outrun whoever you're with. That's why I only camp with slow people.

   has invented a time machine! Unfortunatly, it can only go about one minute into the future. Coincidentally, it takes one minute for it to work........wait a minute(looks around warily)

   always and never are two words you should always remember to never use....

   wondering how wealthy rappers stay so angry

   can I put on the Scream mask when I do you from behind

   needs 5 steel beams for his horse glue factory

   who needs LSD when you have Dumbo on dvd?

   asks do crowded elevators smell different to midgets?