Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Ok Brain: I don't like you and you dont't like me, but this time we have to work toghet....DAMN! He's running awaritnfdnsfoeinlsjerfjsgrjjdfks..."

   believes the NFL will support Haiti by sending over 10 million "Indianapolis Colts 2010 Super Bowl Champions" t-shirts!

   Dear Mr. City Plow Guy, I'd like to actually go to work in the morning so for a change can you maybe not make another Giant Ice mound at the end of my Driveway? For an added bonus could you use some salt on my road instead of just flatting out the snow.

   When she asked me "What kind of idiot are you?" it took me awhile to realize it wasn't a Facebook quiz.

   I played a country music song backwards. I got my truck back,my house back,my dog back..

   its better to loved and lost then to live with the psycho for the rest of your life.

   Arite guys, celebrity doppelgänger week is over. Take down these beautiful celebrities and let's see your ugly faces again.

   Send me your FarmVille invitation... So, I can have it foreclosed and evicted by the end of the day.

   Rest in Peace Captain Phil...I guess catching crabs can really kill you!!!

   If the meaning of life is the greatest mystery of all, why don't we put Matlock on the case? You know what I'm talking about…AWWW YEAH

   Why does war exist, why do we hate, and who keeps making these Martin Lawrence movies? Big Mommas House 3? Three? WTF

   If we are all part of a greater whole, and all come from the same place, and we are all one and share the same essence…why can't I have sex with my friend's sister without him getting mad at me? She's hot, I wanna get in that…

   Sometimes it's just easier to pay someone else than to try to do it yourself....Especially when that something is spreading herpes or glitter

   Sometimes it's just easier to pay someone else than to try to do it yourself....Especially when that something is Proctology

   Treat me like an angel.....and il take you 2 heaven! ;-)

   Have you ever looked up the word "dictionary" in the dictionary? A hand comes out of the page and slaps you across the face.

   *holding my shirt* excuse miss, would you consider this boyfriend material?!?!

   a good deed is when you smoke weed

   man came up with a new invention: a vibrating tampon. That way a woman can be at her best when she is at her worst.

   Text Chicago to 90999 to donate $75 plus a tax of 10% and a parking fee of $10 plus a beer fund of 8.5% to donate for Illinois Earthquake Relief