Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor's office is full of portraits by Picasso.

   loves facebook b/c it gives him the perfect media to use the third person!!!

   Never comment on a woman's rear end. Never use the words "large" or "size" with "rear end." Never. Avoid the area altogether. Trust me.

   faling for someone... or it might be gas.... It's been so long I can't tell the difference...

   Pat Robertson blamed hurricane Katrina on sexual sin,he blamed the Haiti earthquake on a supposed pact with satan. We havn't had any severe disaster up here in Canada yet but he'll probily blame it on the success of Justin Bieber or Pamela anderson.

   A lady's picking through the frozen turkeys and says to a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" they says, "No, ma'am, they're dead."

   Man Ive been sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, have a stuffy head, and a fever... is there any kind of medication that I can take for that and it will help me rest???

   Whoever coined the phrase "Quiet as a mouse" has never stepped on one.

   Needs a brain laxative.......there's too much crap in here!!!

   I only have sex on days that begin with "T". Tuesday, Thursday, Today, Tomorrow, Thaturday and Thunday.

   that you might as well sleep with me because I'm going to tell all my friends you did anyway.

   "Project Runway": New title for "Teach your kid to be an air traffic controller at JFK."

   My father told me "never hit a man while he's down, kick him! It's a whole lot easier!"

   March 4th. I like today's date because it's like i'm telling people what to do.

   really looking forward to this years Toyota Grand Prix of Long Beach. Talk about non-stop racing action!

   Im never going to a petting zoo with MC hammer EVER AGAIN !!!

   Failure is not an Option, and Defeat is not a Choice!

   If my neighbors dont tone it down a little bit, I am going to have to change my WiFi network name to "I can hear you having sex".

   You can't be a smart cookie with a crummy attitude.

   Silly rabbit tried to steal my damn trix.