Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   over the years has realized that marriage is like a hand of poker, you start with a pair and end up with a full house...

   heard a guy at Starbucks talking loudly in his cell say, "I'm going to surprise her with a Jaguar." I'll only like him if he meant the cat..

   if guns kill people, then spoons make people overweight...

   wondering why there is a cork screw on a Swiss Army Knife. I can't remember the last time I encountered a wild bottle of Chianti in the wild..

   Don't knock the weather. If it didn't change once in awhile,nine out of ten people would have nothing to talk about.

   has been wondering... if you force sex on a hooker is it rape or shoplifting??

   Hopefully Paris Hilton never becomes a vampire. Sure she loves the nightlife, but she'll go nuts not being able to see her refection every 10 minutes.

   doing an environmental studies course and needs ideas on how to save trees. Answers on a postcard please.

   The spark of a genius exists in the brain of the truly creative man from the hour of his birth. True genius is always inborn and never cultivated, let alone learned

   has had enough depressing news about death (i.e. Cory Haim). How about some good news? Like congratulating Ted Kennedy! He's 198 days sober today!

   I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'

   "Ok, so we're both illiterate. I can't spell love and you can't read it."

   Be the kind of woman that when your feet hit the floor each morning the devil says~~ "Oh Crap, She's up!"

   they always say there are more fish in the sea, they seem to forget about the crabs

   a really skilled person can flick a booger on the first try

   S.H.I.T.: So Happy It's Thursday.

   Protip: when wearing a waterbra, DO NOT lift a heavy box of sheet metal. You'll either end up with a hefty lefty or a mighty righty, not to mention a gigantic wet spot.

   Eating all of the marshmellows out of someones Lucky Charms is the highest form of disrespect.

   would be more willing to accept people for who they are if they were more like how I wanted them to be.

   I always wanted to be somebody. Now I realize that I should have been more specific.