Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I openly admit to looking at your profile. Now, please stop with all the news feed spamming app invites.

   if I'm not back in five minutes.....call Obama. He'll know what to do

   If I ever met Sammy Hagar, I would have to ask: "What would happen if scientists found a SECOND way to ROCK?"

   Those things on Hooter's menu that they call "boneless chicken wings" are not chicken wings without the bone. You know, I'm not even sure they're chicken! Real wings have bones in them and you get a little messy eating them, that's just the way it is.

   So far today I've accomplished absolutely nothing - maybe I should be a politician.

   remembering the days when hey arnold and doug were apart of his everyday tv lineup

   God gave me this illness to remind me that I'm not number One; he is. -Muhammad Ali (renowned World Boxing Champion)

   I swear to drunk I am not god

   Vegans are secretly just anorexics trying to disguise it under a hippy guise of nutrition and compassion.

   Girlfriends are like wildcats.....they can't be housebroken and they can smell that stripper perfume from a mile away!

   his boss must think he's very motivational as he told me that everyone says they have to work twice as hard whenever I'm around.

   UPDATE...in the midst of preparing an antidote to fix stupid...a massive explosion accured....needless to say...everyone was right....THERE AIN'T NO FIXIN' STUPID!

   in my lab...playing mad scientist...only 2 ingredients away...from coming up with an antidote to fix stupid...stay tuned

   I like birthdays, but I think too many can kill you.....

   walking through the cemetery this morning and saw a guy crouching down behind a tombstone. I said, "Morning." he said, "No, just taking a sh*t".

   Mirror, Mirror, on the Wall ... what the hell happened?

   Why did God create man? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn.

   We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

   re-invented the term "big baller", running nude in a basketball court

   a police officer states"I'm never gonna say "come here" to a convicted porn-star again"