Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face

   In just two days, tomor­row will be yes­ter­day!

   Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.

   In the end, I will remember not the words of my enemies, but the silence of my friends.

   Stix and stones may break my bones but this shovel can knock you the f**k out!!!!!

   (insert random song lyrics that describe how I feel, even though nobody cares)

   thinks that while many auto manufactures put the brakes on due to this global ressession, Toyota just kept on rollin'.

   Sometimes I feel like kicking you in the face ... but then again WHY should I help improve your looks?

   You know you are obsessed with farmville, when your stomach is growling and you say, "Shut-up! I need to harvest!"

   U know what I hate? Those DAMN "push 2 wash" sinks in public restrooms! UGHHHHhhh what's the purpose?! They only stay on for bout 2.5 seconds IF THAT, then you gotta hold it & wash 1 hand, & switch, and BAMMM you got more germs than you started with!

   wishing I could invade my neighbors farms and take over their land in Farmville.

   just wanted to tell the weekend that I love you and I will be back, I will not let the weekdays take me away from you.

   in a relationship with beer which gets complicated after 2am when I start downing single shots

   From now on I will be doing my laundry while nude. This way when I'm done, I will truly be finished washing all of my clothes.

   Man, my supervisor should've called in sick today, I think he has diarrhea of the mouth.... that's right, he can't stop talking s#*t!

   thinks it should be illegal to do construction, mow, and/or weed whack before noon.

   used Tag bodywash this morning and was looking forward to a goodtime before work. Unfortunately, no girls busted through walls or outran cheetahs to ravage me, dammit.

   If a guy takes Viagra and his erection does last more than 4 hours, do you HONESTLY think he calls his doctor to complain or does he go through his phone and line up his booty calls???

   Ladies, when you expect a guy 2 be completely honest with u, I laugh. you women wear heels- UR not that tall, you wear makeup- you don't look like that, you color you hair- UR not a blonde. Everything about you is a lie & you expect a man to tell you the

   a humble person, really. I'm actually much greater than I think I am.