Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Due to the shortage of great leaders, I have decided to follow myself.

   I saw Elvis. He sat between me and Bigfoot on the UFO.

   Are both your parents retarded? Because you seem very special?

   People say I have an attitude problem. I disagree. It's my attitude, but it's their problem!!!

   Wow, it's beautiful outside. I should probably do something. Like close the blinds so there isn't a glare on my screen.

   notices we never read any headlines even remotely similar to this: "200 killed today when Atheist rebels took heavy shelling from the Agnostic stronghold in the North."

   watched a documentary about topiary last night. It was real cutting hedge stuff.

   If I had a nickel for every time I've misplaced my keys, there'd be a jarful of money I would also have to look for.

   Well, I see no one turned up for the first day of ninja school... Or did they?

   Sometimes you put walls up not to keep people out, but sometimes it's good to see who cares enough to break them down.

   Shoplifting is a victimless crime. Like punching someone in the dark

   In the 80's we had Reagan in office. We also had Bob Hope and Johnny Cash. Now we have Obama in office and we have no Hope and no Cash...

   will have on his Tombstone, "See I told you I was SICK!"

   YOU LOOK LIKE I NEED ANOTHER DRINK....

   A RECENT POLICE STUDY FOUND THAT YOU'RE MUCH MORE LIKELY TO GET SHOT BY A FAT COP IF YOU RUN....

   Douchenozzles flock to the internet for the simple reason that whatever stupid crap they can get away with online would earn them a cap in the a$$ in real life.

   evaluating your profile to maximize chances of a long term friendship

   I'm waiting for my marriage license to expire because I'm not going to renew

   is thinking whether to open facebook or textbook......wonder what`s he gonna do..

   knows he just got screwed but can`t remember where and how...??