Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   mourning the passing of Saturday & Sunday. *pours out a bit of coffee* "I enjoyed the times we had. You'll be sorely missed." *Glances at Monday.* *Monday stares back.* "Awkward."

   snuck his daughter's phone and changed his contact info to Batman. Now it's a little more exciting when she gets a text like 'get ready. picking you up in 5 mins.

   I was so happy I could die, but decided to play a love game with brown eyes and now I'm speechless. Who would've thought a monster could make me dance in the dark..... Talk about your bad romance!

   What the Health Care Reform really means: OLD PEOPLE MAGAZINES IN THE DOCTORS OFFICE -- This can't be good!

   Ever notice that people who snore seem to always fall asleep first?

   Relationships are poor ships to sail in

   trying to eat the soup using a fork...

   Sometimes the thoughts in my head get bored, and go for a stroll out through my mouth. This is rarely a good thing.

   s wondering....now that the US has passed heath Care Reform I wonder when Rush Limbaugh is leaving the country? Not soon enough I'm sure

   I hate it when people CLEARLY see am sleeping then they wake me up and ask if am sleeping.

   what's the difference between frog and a horny toad? A frog says ribbit, and a horny toad says rub it!

   thinks chihuahuas are really regular size dogs in tight skin. All that made it out was their eyes! That would explain why they're so angry.

   my shoes are muddy, my knees are scraped and I lost my hat...but it was the best time i've ever had

   you aren't as good as the rest of em till you beat the best of em

   Dont have phone sex You might get hearing aids

   Can you imagine all the wierd stuff that would going on in the world if everyone who was "following their dreams," did so after one of those late night spicy pizza dreams?

   Some people should have a glass bellybutton so when they get their heads so far up their asses, they can see out!

   Picking up dog poo in the dark is like playing the worst kind of Where's Waldo imaginable

   If the outside is so great, why has man spent hundreds of years perfecting inside.

   I saw some drunk guy chasing his shadow down the street screaming "Give me back my wallet."