Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   the only thing not covered by the new health care bill is busting your ass

   If napping was an Olympic sport I would be on a Wheaties box!!!

   I want to start a women's magazine called "Period". And some months I'll send it out late just to freak out my subscribers.

   I'm not on Team Edward or Team Jacob. I'm on Team Buffy!

   I can't watch Kate Gosselin on Dancing with the Stars. Whenever they swing her around the dance floor, I'm scared more babies will fly out!

   the best way to piss off your wife is to tell her her pants look too loose.....

   This is my facebook. This is my gun. This is for posting this is for fun

   This is my Facebook status. There are many like it but this one is mine...

   -- Magazine collectors, they have a lot of issues....

   so F'n tired of those cheesy Old Navy mannequin commercials!!! Are they really hurting for money that they cant pay real actors????

   -- If pubs don't serve really drunk people why do Mcdonalds serve really fat people?

   Wales..The only country you can get a great sh@g,a delicious Hotpot and a Smashing Jumper all from the same Animal.

   i just fitted a strobe light in the bedroom....it makes it look like the wife's moving during sex

   BEHIND EVERY GREAT WOMAN IS A MAN.......CHECKING OUT HER A$$....

   My cosmetic surgery might have gone wrong but I'm smiling on the inside.

   I text u, you take 30 mins to reply, I'm with u, ur hands r glued to ur phone....

   To the producers of Tylenol cherry-flavored cough syrup, HAVE you ever tasted a cherry before??

   went to a massage parlor today and asked for a happy ending, the lady looked at me and said "The Princess kissed the Frog, and turned in to a prince and they lived hapily every after" that will be a 100 bucks thank you,

   Never say "maybe" to a kid. All they hear is "I swear on my life that this will definitely happen."

   I hate when women fish for compliments by mentioning that they've gained a few pounds. I don't bite. Instead I offer, "yeah, maybe you're pregnant."