Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hates when people come inside her work when its nice out and says "It's so nice out too nice to be inside!" Thanks I couldn't tell it was too nice to be working, guess that big yellow thing in sky isn't a lemon!!!!!

   The bladder: Nature's alarm clock. Snooze button not as reliable, though

   so tired of hearing about Tiger Woods and Jesse James...it happens to everybody just ask me about my "X"!

   If you are interested in paying higher taxes your an idiot, but if you feel really strongly about it, the US department of treasury actually accepts donations by credit card for all those idiots that want to give their money to the gov't

   Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

   dont you hate it when your busy everyone texts you but when your not, no one does....its like they know...

   confesses, as a kid he used to have a crush on that crazy-ass evil blonde chick on "Little House on The Prarie"

   When a relationship goes flat, so does a couple of sets of car tires.

   Old Macdonald had an agricultural real-estate tax abatement...

   Can people just go for a bike ride without having to dress up like some Lance Armstrong clone?

   not and alcoholic, I'm just thirtsy.

   mastered the art of changing lanes and not running over the white reflectors in the road!

   working on my taxes and has come to the conclusion that taxation WITH respresentation is not that great either...

   an alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do.

   just saved a lot of money on my car insurance by fleeing the scene of the accident.

   wondering why if vegetarian food is so great, everything they make is "turkey flavored" this or "chicken flavored" that.

   saw a car today that had a sticker that said "Americans never forget". Then I remembered that Hiliary Clinton is Secretary of State so obviously we do...

   I've got an empty coffee cup and no memory of drinking it. I don't put cream in my coffee, so I think that's a black out.

   Farmville? Fishville? I want to play Margaritaville. All I need is: 1800 Tequila, a pop-top and a woman to blame. But if I don't get them, I know it is my own damn fault.

   to all of my FB friends: I love you all and you are fabulous! Except for you #78; you are just an ass. You know who you are so don't even try to fake the funk...