Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Actually it only takes me 1 drink to get drunk. The trouble is I can't remember if it's the 14th or 15th.

   I don't like how Facebook asks "What's on your mind?" I usually just lie and live with the guilt.

   In the Beginning, God made the Heaven and Earth. The rest was Made in China.

   This girl asked to take me out to dinner, I told her sorry I have a girlfriend. Her response... "Eatin' ain't cheatin'."

   suggests wearing an INS badge to Home Depot if the checkout lines are too long.

   your so vain you probably think this status is about you.

   off to see the wizard......apparently the brain he gave her doesnt work!!!

   had many people walk into her life and made it great. She has had many people walk out of her life and made it f*cking fantastic!!!

   considering buying a GPS for Mr. Sand Man, he seems to be lost and hasn't made it to her house the last three nights!!!

   NASCAR Driver Education: "Turn left. Turn left. Turn left. Turn left. Repeat."

   got to heavens gate and god sent me back.....the good die young, I aint eligible for that

   dyslexic with tourettes..bucking fastard..cupid stunt.. oh hole ass

   Has a date with Mr. Hangover today, she wishes her friends would just let her be single and stop trying to play matchmaker!!!!

   Beer is good for what ales you.

   It is a mistake to allow any mechanical object to realize you are in a hurry.

   Dear Waldo: Bite me. Go find yourself.

   America is only the land of the free for people who have lots of money.

   Pass the parcel would work better if there is no prize that way one kid is disappointed but everyone else is happy

   thinks life is like a rubix cube. Some people have the patience to solve it and the others just cheat to see how others do it

   I hate it when I run out of Staples. And so do their security guards.