Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   accidentally turned off his facebook anti crap filter and was scared by the amount of quizzes, farm, fairyland, mafia and virtual f&cking cupcake crap you people post, if it wasn't for facebook purity I would delete alot of you

   Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

   facebook – Never letting you forget any of the douchebags you've fuct

   My Craigslist hooker turned out to be a man. It has been over an hour and he won't take a hint to leave. He can keep my 200 bucks. This was a poor idea.

   I'm addicted to cold turkey and I don't know how to quit it.

   is the natural alternative to paracetamol and vodka....yes ladies you heard it here first LOL

   I can't wait until Weight Watchers comes out with a beer.

   I think, therefore I am overqualified.

   In case of emergency, break glass, scream, bleed to death.

   "We are upping our standards... so up yours!"

   added my friend Jamal as a neighbour on Farmville yesterday.I logged on this morning to find that all my chickens had been stolen and he'd opened up a KFC

   entering the doors of a chinease buffet and a little kid said, "daddy, I think I just heard a dog bark."

   Write all complaints legibly in this space -> []

   If you assign numerical values to each letter of the alphabet, in order, (A=1 and Z=26) you will find that hard work gives you 98%, but bullsh!t gives you 103%. Math does not lie.

   What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold my purse.'

   "If you're good at something, never do it for free" ~ The Joker (The Dark Knight)

   hates it when you go down to get a midnight snack and get excited to find some treasure in the fridge, only to have your hopes and dreams dashed by the treasure being so far past it's expiration date that only Ashton Kutcher would be interested...

   Ever dance with the devil in the pale moonlight?

   God was the greatest inventor of all time. He took a rib from Adam and made a loudspeaker

   Random thought of the day: If someone threw a rock and knocked you off your donkey, would you be stoned off your ass?