Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   cleaning out his medicine cabinet of expired prescriptions with a glass of water and several mystery pills at a time.

   "Do I look like a bag, a gadget or a perfume to you?" Stop tagging me if the photo doesn't have my face or my torso or my knee or my... you got what I'm saying

   stress is when you wake up screaming and realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

   needs 18 more Farmers Daughters.....but not in Farmville

   You wanna have laughs? Do what I do. When I go through a tollbooth, I keep going. I tell the guy, "The car behind me is paying for two."

   I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.

   I think I'll skip English tomorrow. There are just certain aspects of Moby I don't want to know about.

   I couldn't reach my oil filter... so I took out the entire engine.

   Playboy made a mistake passing on Kate Gosselin as a centerfold. I believe America desires to see a uterus that could be used as a three car garage.

   I just heard Justin Bieber for the first time and she sounds like a very nice little girl so stop being mean to her!

   Lady Gaga preaching abstinence is like Lindsay Lohan preaching sobriety or Kermit the Frog preaching about your finger not smelling like pork.

   What do you call a black man flyin a plane???? A pilot you RACI$T !!!!

   virginity is like a baloon... one prick and it's gone forever.....

   Ronald McDonald just killed Burger King in front of Dairy Queen over that B*t*h Wendy

   You can safely assume that you've created God in your own image when it turns out that God hates all the same people you do.

   I heard Jesse James honored Earth Day yesterday by picking up trash...

   This just in from ESPN. The woman Ben Roethlisberger assaulted is pregnant. The big news is Mel Kiper already has him as a first rounder in his mock draft.

   I told you officer, I cut the a** out of the gorilla suit because they don't sell baboon costumes. No, I don't know who crapped on your car.

   Semi-colons don't get enough credit. They should be re-branded as super-commas...

   Not to brag, but I have completely mastered the right way to do everything wrong.