Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   On FB I took "How Many Sexual Partners You Have in 2009/2010" quiz. Result:"None, because your lame a*s spends too much time taking douchey a*s surveys on Facebook when you should probably be at the bar looking for women who leave their drinks unattended

   Consequences of American life style: The wife rushed into house screaming to her husband: Darling, Come quick! Ur kids n my kids r beating our kids.

   Do you remember the day we travelled in a car? I put my dog out of the window, you put ur face out, then people started shouting 'TWINS TWINS'

   i was having lunch with a chess champion the other day.I knew he was a champion coz it took him 20 mins to just pass the salt.

   When you dial somebody on a Google phone, is there an "I'm Feeling Lucky" button? That would be great for single people.

   A man is the head of the family and the wife is the neck. The neck turns the head exactly the way it wants.

   How do deaf people know if someone is screaming or yawning?

   Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.

   facebook is having its epic fail at this very moment!

   Getting married is similar to going to the restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

   I have a six pack which I wanna show off at the beach this summer it was too blady long in the fridge.

   working, and having short Facebook breaks... but is now on Facebook with short work breaks... much more fun!

   My gf says I never listen to her (or something like that)

   if i'd have killed her when I met her, I'd be out of jail by now.

   After hearing someone just ramble on and on on the phone or in person, don't you just wish they would become verbally impotent?

   thinks she settled the argument over whether you refer to a carbonated beverage as "soda, pop, or Coke"....it's "chaser!"

   I was in the nany for about 40 minutes until they kicked me out. Turns out the poop deck isn't what I thought it was. Man were they angry.

   Ezekiel 25:17 "The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the iniquities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who in the name of charity and good will shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his

   Remembers a conversation with my X – she asked, “John what would our Brangelena name be as a couple” - I said, “Junt”

   -- I saw a kid earlier with a hairy face and horrible beady eyes.......Saying that, I suppose it's normal for a goat...