Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What's worse than a joke without a punchline?

   Escalators never break down, they just turn into stairs

   I fell off a 50ft ladder yesterday... luckily I was on the bottom step.

   Sometimes it seems I spend half my life just breathing in.

   "Throwing acid is wrong - in some people's eyes."

   I wasn't always into peer pressure......My friends got me into it.

   gathering Dwayne Johnson to throw at you...

   My mom hates when I put tin-foil in the microwave and make my own fireworks!

   Church = Free Wine

   There's a fine line between hyphenated words

   The next person who suggests that, when I die, I should leave my organs to medical science is really gonna get a piece of my mind.

   writing your phone number on the toilet wall

   ok, the dude was on the no flight list 24 hrs prior to him boarding the plane, but the airlines werent aware of it cuz they update they database every 24 hrs??? better hit that "Refresh" button every hour then, Gee!

   Yesterday I put in a bid for a “Cowboy Outfit”.. on ebay and now it seems I'm only six minutes away from owning the South austrailan Government!

   if you take a shot and yell "cinco de mayo!" its a celebration. If you take a shot and yell "Wednesday!" its an intervention

   A recent study conducted by UCLA just discovered that doing just about anything increases your risk of death.

   Cinco de Mayo...when we commemorate the sinking of the great Spanish Mayonnaise flotilla which liberated Mexico from the iron grip of the Spanish mayonnaise monopolies...

   So is this where I'm supposed to type a heartfelt sentence, or a quote or something describing how I feel and stuff? Cool, mine's far more complicated to be typed here.

   thinks that constant nagging of a girfriend is a real turn off...

   we call it MAY 5TH on this side of the border