Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   if your lookin for Sympathy it is in the dictionary between S*it and Syphilis...

   a 5 yr old who must be alot smarter than me, because I din't know everything until I was a teenager

   Come with me, and you'll be, in a world of pure hallucinations

   (sigh) women

   I ran into my ex the other day, hit reverse, and ran into her again.

   when I die, bury me with all my debts and a cell phone so I can haunt them for a change.

   Don't text and walk at the same time. Trust me, that street lamp is closer than you think..

   My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.

   In 2011 the government will start killing all mentally challenged people. I started crying when I thought of you. Run my little retard, save yourself.

   This other dude at a store just asked me if tulips were annuals or perrinials. I should probably change out of this pink shirt.

   Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.

   like the real live version of the state fair..

   What's better???????.... A hot woman drinking more than you or that same woman buying you drinks?

   a slurpee a day keeps the teacher away

   I'll give you an exact definition of "in love". When her bra and underwear match.

   Just read an article about the stock market, and there were three things in it that I didn't quite understand: Every, single, word.

   I'm waiting for the day Ziploc quits the pretentiousness with the sandwiches and just starts putting weed right on the box.

   A man asks a HOT woman "will you go on a date with me" She says "your not my type" Man Quickly replies "You are so selfish! You're going to have that body the rest of your life and I just want it for one night!"

   so, this guy is trying to sue me for sexual harassment in the workplace just because I like to flirt a little...good luck with that because I don't even work there!

   thinks his facebook has been hacked! I'm going to change my password to: titus_b12bomberraid.. That oughta do the trick!