Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Lady Gaga looks likes she's been covered in glue and she's just collected crap as she walks past stuff

   We live in an age when pizza gets to your home before the police

   if a man says to a woman,"Girl, you better go in the kitchen and bring me a sandwich," Do you know what a good comeback for that ladies? You better "comeback" with a God damn sandwich.

   I love how everyone seems to be able to sing on facebook *singing*

   Growing up my mom would take me to the toy store and be so patient as I sat their for a long time trying to make a decision about which toy to buy...thank God she doesn't have to go to the liquor store with me now.

   The tag "in bed" that makes fortune cookies so funny, makes Mother's Day cards creepy. Just sayin' (uncle Bill!).

   When I was in kindergarten my teacher told the class to sit Indian style. So I grabbed a bottle of cheap whiskey and laid in gutter

   I used to go out with a homeless girl. It was great because after sex I could just drop her off anywhere

   NOTE TO SELF: Don't forget to NOT to discuss your personal life on FB. And pick up rash cream..........

   Tiger withdraws from the golf tournament due to a neck injury, I bet he could sure use a swedish massage.

   I would say Happy Mothers Day on this, but my mom doesn't have a Facebook so it wouldn't matter.

   Introducing 'Lite': the new way to spell 'Light'; but with twenty per cent fewer letters

   Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?

   looks like I won't be updating my status today..

   If you watch Godzilla backwards, it's about a helpful lizard putting a city back together and leaving afterwards.

   been to the dark side...they lied about the candy

   Hold your mother today, she was the first to hold you, she held you for 9 months.

   A mother my have a thousand daughters but a daughter has only one mother

   A woman who thinks no man is good enough for her may be right.... But she is more often left.

   when you go out drinking tonight don't forget to wish all the milfs at the bar a happy mothers day.