Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   likes to go to the local pet store, find the most innocent looking clerk and ask "where are all the bi*-ches at?"

   The bank called me because of suspicious activity on my debit card. I couldn't believe I bought a gym membership either

   My new checks all have trampolines on them. Just so bill collectors know they may bounce!

   Yes, "facebooking" IS an action verb. Along with googling, tweeting and farmvillin'.

   Just seen the Facebook group: "I wish my laptop had unlimited battery".What, a plug?

   Police are such idiots. I got pulled over the other day for weaving. I can't even sew, let alone weave, especially when I'm pissed!!

   My wife told me that she was seeing someone else because she was fed up with my bad habits. I nearly choked on my toenail

   used to play sports. Then I realised that you can buy trophies. Now I'm good at everything!

   was driving past the woods today and saw a group of bird watchers, so I flipped them the bird.

   a kid said to me sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me. I threw a dictionary at him.

   wonders if the person that invented the vibrator heard voices in his head that said, "if you build it, they will come."

   What did the maxi pad say to the fart? A: You're the wind beneath my wings.

   I zone out once my teacher says "This will not be on the test."

   I like my women like I like my steaks. Dark with a warm pink center.

   Criticism is the best sign you're onto something.

   Why do people insist on speaking to me? It pretty much never goes well.

   Does the Five Second Rule apply to beer?

   This could be the best day ever... but it isn't. Again

   The thing that makes learning how to use chopsticks so difficult is that the longer you don't know how, the soggier your cereal gets.

   Saw the mystery machine from Scooby Doo driving on the highway. Is this real life?