Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear Facebook, Please stop asking me what's on my mind. I'm gonna get myself in trouble if I keep spilling my guts to you.

   I have a busy day ahead... I have trouble to start; rumors to spread and people to argue with.

   If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

   18.I'd call you a tool, but even THEY serve a purpose.

   11.You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

   1.Sarcasm helps keep you from telling people what you really think of them.

   If your a Vegetarian to be nice to animals, why are you eating there food

   When I open my eyes every morning I pray to God that everyone should have a friend like you.... Why should only I suffer!!!

   Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.

   i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. God I miss college. a moment ago clear

   Something about winning always attracts losers with opinions

   has been told by many I need to watch my language on Facebook. So for everyone that doesn't like my language, "coitus you."

   I know right from wrong. Wrong is the fun one.

   So if someone is born deaf, what language do they think in?

   Sigh. Guess it's time to go do some grocery shopping. A mouse hung itself inside our fridge and left a note "can't live like this"

   psychiatrist said I need to vent my anger... so I broke her nose and burnt down her practice

   got a Black-Belt in Crazy!

   's Words of Wisdom: Mondays are God's punishment for what you did during the weekend!

   Can Speak Japanese!! Wanna Hear?! TOYOTA!

   Cop : Did you know that you were doing 85 in a 65?!?! Me: Well, did you know that you were doing over 85 in a 65 just to catch up to me? So, who was really speeding?? Huh?! Huh!! :