Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Make friends with your hormones. They're what make you colorful and unpredictable.

   whoever said "never regret" obviously never had taco bell

   If wishes and buts were candy and nuts, Obama supporters would have the White House filled with pimps and sluts

   If BP needs a giant box to contain all the oil, they can call any of my ex-girlfriends.

   It's a shame how so many of you have such nice, expensive, in many cases even brand new cars and yet the turn signals don't seem to work.

   If it weren't for my feet I don't know how I'd ever shut the car door.

   Do I even want to know how one would contract herpes of the eye?

   remember..we are all just human...except Ryan Seacrest...he's a midget alien from Mars.

   I am anxious about how much Xanax I'm taking.

   Anyone who wastes my time is a clocksucker...

   Somebody slipped a hangover in my drink last night

   Playboy in 3-D! Take that, 18 billion hours of free, readily available Internet porn.

   I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...

   haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.

   Dear gigantic flock of birds chirping loudly in the parking lot sh*ting all over my car, There's still more north left... Go annoy Canada...

   I just read a list of 'the 100 things to do before you die'. I'm pretty surprised 'yell for help' wasn't one of them...

   Someone at work said to me, "Inquiring minds want to know if you have a boyfriend" I said, "Yes, I do, but don't tell my husband."

   If the game doesn't freeze every 6 minutes, then you're not watching FOX.

   I do not have the time to listen to you whine, you melodramatic fool!!

   Guess what? I have flaws. What are they? Oh I dunno, I sing in the shower? Sometimes I spend too much time volunteering. Occasionally I'll hit somebody with my car. So sue me-- no, don't sue me. That is opposite the point I'm trying to make.